Michal and Austen do Halloween: Part 2

This could start in one of three ways:

1) There is more than one road to a blackout. I was on it this weekend.

2) I need to stop being the drunkest guy at parties and gatherings.

3) I am short and fat.

But, I can't keep writing about how many black outs I have, that gets boring. I could go on about how I was the drunkest guy at the Halloween party on Saturday, but I only held that title for so long. Michal was hot on my heels all night and eventually took the crown.

So we'll go with short and fat.

For some reason, when I hang out with Michal on Halloween, I find things out about myself. Lets start with last year.

While working at the Daily Titan I had the opportunity to visit Kansas City, Missouri for a college journalism convention. I went with my Executive Editor David Carrillo, and Michal, who was the Sports Editor at the time. While we were excited to learn and broaden our journalistic horizons, drinking and bar hopping were sure to never take a backseat.

The first night, after we landed and our flight lost David's luggage, we had a few drinks in the hotel bar, walked around the town and called it a night. The second night, we explored further and got properly smashed but the details are hazy and nothing really stands out as relevant.

The next night was Halloween and we decided we would go out properly, but we had no costumes. About a half mile from our hotel there were a bunch of bars and large area cordoned off for bands to play and whatnot. If there is anything that KC is good for, it's Halloween, they did it right. By the end of the night I found myself separated from Michal and David, in typical fashion. I was walked back to my hotel by 8 Waldos, 7 of which were female, 4 of those 7 were extremely good looking Waldos. I don't even think I said good night to them. I just snuck into my hotel and found David and Michal.

The next day we finished up the convention and decided to take it easy due to the excruciating hangovers we had all day. That didn't last as long as we'd hoped. After a romantic evening out, just the three boys we went back to the room to curl up and nurse ourselves back to health. Michal and I were playing catch with a stress ball when I heard a peculiar noise outside the door. Something like...giggling. I looked through the peephole and there were two young ladies with their ears pushed up against the door. Naturally I opened the door.

After introductions and yada yada, we decided to attend a hotel party with them that had "lots of alcohol." That ended up being two-thirds of a bottle of vodka and some chasers. Then I spilled the vodka on the bed. We weren't welcome for long. But the event that has resonated the longest was when on of the girls leaned to Michal and said:

"I'd hook up with Austen, but he's fat."


Fast forward to exactly one year later. Michal and I are going to hang out on Halloween again and I am stoked because he's coming to my hometown for once and I know that when he wants to party he's going to party hard. We wanted to go to the bars first so our original costumes wouldn't work so we came up with an alternative. Bar costume, party costume.

First we infect:
Then we seduce:
So we went to BJ's where we met a nice man named Anthony, who may have been trying to hook us up with his cougar friends but we were never really sure. Our swine flu costumes were a hit with the 6 people that saw them. We had a few drinks and went to a party across town.

(We ended up having to take a taxi home in the wee morning hours because we wanted to be safe and not drive all the way across town. This was great because our driver described, in detail, his experience with the female nether region.)

We got to the party, flasks in hand and mingled and drank beer and danced and did all the things you do at a costume party. Like walk around in Chippendales outfits and let Michal spank you with a ruler, which ends up breaking because my buns of steel are just that – buns of steel.

As the night wore on, the drinks were flowing and I started flirting with everything with two X chromosomes. From my perch on top of the washing machine I had front row seats to Michal's steady self-destruction. By the time the night ended, I don't think he was speaking English.

It was around this time that a seemingly good-looking blond made her way over to me. We talked, and there were times where I thought she wanted me, but it could have been my endless supply of booze. After we called the taxi we went so sit in the car because it was too cold out. When we were leaving the blond made her way over and offered this this little tidbit of information:

"I would hook up with you, but you're short."

We're just a modern stone age family

The road to a blackout is paved with pretty girls, Jack Daniels and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I left work at precisely 8:23 p.m. and got to Fullerton by 9:30. The Girls had requested my presence as quickly as possible so I flew down there, and about 30 miles of the drive I held a JD-filled water bottle up to the air conditioner, which was concentrated through one vent. This doesn't make your alcohol cold, but instead your hand goes slightly numb and you get out of your car and slug back a large gulp of warm Tennessee whiskey. You then try not to vomit for 10 more minutes.

Once I got into the apartment I realized I didn't need to rush down there, as no one was particularly ready to head to the costume party but I didn't mind because I had more time to pre-party and could finally put some ice in my drink. After being greeted by N, J and A (The Girls) I settled in with my water bottle and a side of ice cubes. But not before saying Hi to the beautiful...let's just call her, Em.

Em is the kind of girl that makes it hard to pick you're jaw up off the floor. She walks into a party and all the guys start shifting their weight, wondering who has the sack to talk to her because a girl that looks like that just doesn't mingle with commoners...right? Oh but she does. She's just about the sweetest thing this side of the Atlantic.

I tried my best at subtle flirting while doing nothing but chug my drink. All of the girls were getting in and out of costumes and fitting everyone else for theirs. I had mine picked out days before. It was a classy number, just swim fins, red and blue Euro trunks and a snorkel. This didn't hold.

On a side note, apparently the shirt I had on that day looked like a Halloween costume. I had about six conversations that went like this:

Someone I don't know: "Oh are you Freddy Krueger?"
Me: "No, this is the shirt I wore to work today. But thank you."

In preparation for the costume party I put on my skivvies, but it was quickly determined that I would be Bam Bam to go along with the rest of the Flintstones crew. N, J and A were Pebbles, Wilma and Betty respectively, with Em being Dino. She makes dinosaurs hot. Before I knew it, Em was on her knees, right in from of me in the kitchen. Calm down perverts, I was not being publicly fellated, but publicly fitted for my Bam Bam outfit. It's a good thing she was careful – I was wearing forgiving material. She was liable to lose an eye if she brushed up against something too often.

At this point, about half of my Jack is gone, I'm feeling good and I'm already shirtless – what's new? I wore my Euro trunks under the tiny brown loincloth because if I didn't someone was going to get a show they didn't pay for.

The group left for the party and we stopped at 711 to get some supplies and cash and Em stayed in the car with me to keep me company because I was still drinking. I took this as a sign that she was into me and the charm that I'd like to think I have was actually working.

We get to the party and in true knightly fashion I paid entry for Em, N and me. It is only now that I realize most of my Jack is gone and I should probably slow down, so I switch to beer.

I continue to flirt with Em while dancing and drinking and being made fun of by Harry Potter who was more like a Hairy Twatter given her desperate need of an attitude adjustment. The drunker I get, the more people I talk to and it becomes evident that my loincloth really just looks like an ill-fitting skirt, according to multiple accounts.

The night became a blur. We talked in the yard. I finished my booze. I drank beer. The cops came. I decided this was a good time to make a move on Em. She didn't think so. All flirting and good vibes out the window. Then it gets fuzzier. More beer.

Some people get in a fight as we are leaving. One is someone I know and used to room with so naturally I take his side. But alas, I'm a happy drunk so I'm trying to break up the fight rather than partake in it. It must have been entertaining for the bystanders to watch the Flintstones yell at everyone while some guy in a skirt with speedos underneath slurred his peace-making words trying to break up a fight between a gynecologist and an Asian.

We get back to The Girls apartment and I finally put pants on but that's it. Someone went to get food. I didn't get any and that made me upset because I gave them money to bring me something back. N later told me that I didn't give them money but they handed me a Pabst Blue Ribbon instead of a burrito and I was again happy. This is the last thing I remember.

Rumor has it I was having a nice conversation with J when I just got up and left the room.

That was the last anyone saw of me.

– I've since been told I was the drunkest guy there, which is highly possible given my reputation. I'm not particularly proud of it, especially due to the consequences it had with Em, who has been at the top of my "Girls that make my brain stop working" list for a long time. But it seems at least N, J and A miss me, given their reactions to my behavior.

Until next time...

Things are looking up

Finding things to write about that won't offend most of the people reading this is going to be tough, so I'm just going to go with an easy one and hit up the past week. I think I may just have to disregard everyone's feelings and go full bore one of these days.

This last week has been a downer. First, 15th ranked Nebraska (GO CORN!) lost to unranked Texas Tech in one of the most wretched games in recent memory.
The Huskers lost 31-10 to a team they should have walloped. With terrible defense, even worse offense and stupid penalties this game was lost early on.

Next, the Dodgers lost the National League Championship Series in typical fashion. We left runners on base all too often and let the Phillies walk all over them. For some reason we just can't get past them and it's really starting to ruin a lot of my days. Last week my desk got moved right in front of the only TV at work. RIGHT IN FRONT! And all it did for me was give me an easier way to watch them blow it.

To top it all off, I've been stuck doing more work than I should...at work. I understand when a new person is new and doesn't really get it - it's just something you deal with and it gets better in time. But when I've finished laying out my page and I've sent it to print and one of the incompetent pre-press guys mysteriously deletes it, that makes me mad. Not to mention he also deleted one of the sports pages that had been layed out and sent hours earlier. Luckily we found the sports page on someone else's desktop which had been saved there by accident. I, on the other hand, got to layout another full page from scratch.

On to the good parts. That same night, I bought scratchers and came up four bucks. The night after that, we got out of work almost an hour and half early. Last Saturday I partied with Rob in Fullerton and drunkenly walked all over CSUF and found the "Where the Wild Things" grow. It's on that campus. Below is the picture of the hand


Sunday I hung out with Michal at the Yard House in Long Beach and watched the Dodgers get murdered, but still I got to hang out with the Polish man and drink some whiskey and beer.

Tonight I went to TOGO's and got a sandwich with a heavenly amount of bacon. What is a heavenly amount? I think there were 8 strips. It was perfect.

And tomorrow, I finally get to watch a Nebraska game live at home. They aren't usually televised out here and one of the few times it is I actually get to watch it.

Not to mention the barely legal I happened to meet last night and the fact that tomorrow night (Saturday night) I'll be in Fullerton, partying with the girls and the babe of all babes, good ol' Kacie. Like I said...Things are looking up.

Lets hop on the good foot and do the bad thing

I like to write, I like to drink and I like to party. I'm done with school and living at home, so a blog about Monday adventures, drinking milestones and sexual conquests (or failures) has endless possibilities.

I guess now that I'm going to be blogging, I'll also have to start twatting my tweeter. (Tweeting my twitter for those lacking a sense of humor.)

This may sound like it's in the same vein as good ol' Tucker Max but he has already perfected what he does and I don't feel that I can duplicate his success. I also don't feel the need copy somebody else and use them as a highway to fame. Lastly, I don't want to limit myself to one thing or another. I want to write about whatever I damn well choose and you're going to read it and you're going to like it.

If anything I'd probably rather be more like this guy —

His (implied) ability to manipulate the written word, his ability to perform cunnilingus (on the little man in the boat - S1E1) and his incredibly timed charm, who wouldn't want to be?

I can't wait to tell you all about the goings on of me. Hopefully this thing doesn't die in three weeks.