I left work at precisely 8:23 p.m. and got to Fullerton by 9:30. The Girls had requested my presence as quickly as possible so I flew down there, and about 30 miles of the drive I held a JD-filled water bottle up to the air conditioner, which was concentrated through one vent. This doesn't make your alcohol cold, but instead your hand goes slightly numb and you get out of your car and slug back a large gulp of warm Tennessee whiskey. You then try not to vomit for 10 more minutes.
Once I got into the apartment I realized I didn't need to rush down there, as no one was particularly ready to head to the costume party but I didn't mind because I had more time to pre-party and could finally put some ice in my drink. After being greeted by N, J and A (The Girls) I settled in with my water bottle and a side of ice cubes. But not before saying Hi to the beautiful...let's just call her, Em.
Em is the kind of girl that makes it hard to pick you're jaw up off the floor. She walks into a party and all the guys start shifting their weight, wondering who has the sack to talk to her because a girl that looks like that just doesn't mingle with commoners...right? Oh but she does. She's just about the sweetest thing this side of the Atlantic.
I tried my best at subtle flirting while doing nothing but chug my drink. All of the girls were getting in and out of costumes and fitting everyone else for theirs. I had mine picked out days before. It was a classy number, just swim fins, red and blue Euro trunks and a snorkel. This didn't hold.
On a side note, apparently the shirt I had on that day looked like a Halloween costume. I had about six conversations that went like this:
Someone I don't know: "Oh are you Freddy Krueger?"
Me: "No, this is the shirt I wore to work today. But thank you."
In preparation for the costume party I put on my skivvies, but it was quickly determined that I would be Bam Bam to go along with the rest of the Flintstones crew. N, J and A were Pebbles, Wilma and Betty respectively, with Em being Dino. She makes dinosaurs hot. Before I knew it, Em was on her knees, right in from of me in the kitchen. Calm down perverts, I was not being publicly fellated, but publicly fitted for my Bam Bam outfit. It's a good thing she was careful – I was wearing forgiving material. She was liable to lose an eye if she brushed up against something too often.
At this point, about half of my Jack is gone, I'm feeling good and I'm already shirtless – what's new? I wore my Euro trunks under the tiny brown loincloth because if I didn't someone was going to get a show they didn't pay for.
The group left for the party and we stopped at 711 to get some supplies and cash and Em stayed in the car with me to keep me company because I was still drinking. I took this as a sign that she was into me and the charm that I'd like to think I have was actually working.
We get to the party and in true knightly fashion I paid entry for Em, N and me. It is only now that I realize most of my Jack is gone and I should probably slow down, so I switch to beer.
I continue to flirt with Em while dancing and drinking and being made fun of by Harry Potter who was more like a Hairy Twatter given her desperate need of an attitude adjustment. The drunker I get, the more people I talk to and it becomes evident that my loincloth really just looks like an ill-fitting skirt, according to multiple accounts.
The night became a blur. We talked in the yard. I finished my booze. I drank beer. The cops came. I decided this was a good time to make a move on Em. She didn't think so. All flirting and good vibes out the window. Then it gets fuzzier. More beer.
Some people get in a fight as we are leaving. One is someone I know and used to room with so naturally I take his side. But alas, I'm a happy drunk so I'm trying to break up the fight rather than partake in it. It must have been entertaining for the bystanders to watch the Flintstones yell at everyone while some guy in a skirt with speedos underneath slurred his peace-making words trying to break up a fight between a gynecologist and an Asian.
We get back to The Girls apartment and I finally put pants on but that's it. Someone went to get food. I didn't get any and that made me upset because I gave them money to bring me something back. N later told me that I didn't give them money but they handed me a Pabst Blue Ribbon instead of a burrito and I was again happy. This is the last thing I remember.
Rumor has it I was having a nice conversation with J when I just got up and left the room.
That was the last anyone saw of me.
– I've since been told I was the drunkest guy there, which is highly possible given my reputation. I'm not particularly proud of it, especially due to the consequences it had with Em, who has been at the top of my "Girls that make my brain stop working" list for a long time. But it seems at least N, J and A miss me, given their reactions to my behavior.
Until next time...
